For the first few months after recalling my rape I felt so liberated and free to explore all of my circumstances in an entirely new light. After exploring the wilderness of my heart for four years I found and rescued my twelve year old self from a closet hidden in the deepest parts of my heart. I emerged from that wilderness exploring old struggles with the intensity of a child and felt their pain fade away. Things that I once thought I was destined to kill myself for I could suddenly shrug off now with the context I now had. In the couple of months following my recollection I found so much learning and growing. I have found a place of healing within me.
My newfound curiosity eventually came upon an old problem from a new approach. I used to believe I was legitimately a rapist specifically because XXXXX told me I was one. I used to think that I deserved all of the things that people were saying about me both true and false because I was evil. I used to think my sexual energy was inherently toxic. I used to think...
The weed germinated. The child once set free explored until reaching the walls of a great cage, built by myself in the absence of his innocence. This child is still trapped inside a cage of sexual violence, the repercussions of my own acts. For eighteen years I struggled to get out of that fucking closet, XXXXX gave me the courage to finally look it those demons in the eye to escape and now after a brief but blessed moment of well deserved peace and clarity it feels like I’m never going to wake up from the nightmare where I am trapped inside a kaleidoscope of sexual violence, reality and dreams become broken and reamalgamated into a single abominable whole.
I have the tools, I have the dedication, I have the love I need to look this problem in the eye. I have found all of these things inside of myself. What i make up for in heart however I am lacking in body - I am paralyzed. I cannot move with out being attacked. I cannot go outside of my house without being called a rapist. I cannot contribute to the conversation. I cannot tell my story to the people I trust.
You were the ONLY individual who came to our mediations*. XX, as a true ally and sister in this struggle, please help set me free. Please help me discover my story and the deeper meanings in it. Please forgive me, please trust me that this is the beginning of something beautiful, something important. I am so sorry that I don’t know if any words will ever do it justice - but I’ve learned a trick or two i think will make up for it. Please share with me once again, so that I may share with you, and that we may share together.
Here’s to 2018 :)
*as opposed to groups or communities